So They All Give Me Advice…

Years ago after my break up with my boyfriend of seven years, everyone felt able to give me advice whether I wanted to hear it or not. I became the poster child for axioms, sayings and words of wisdom about men, relationships and my future.

Often I think my glass is half empty but I tried to see both sides of their many words.                                                                                                                                                 The first comments following my new status were about me:                                                                                                                                                                                         “You will be fine. You always end up okay.”

“You have always found someone to be with.”                                                                                                                                                                                               “Men like you; you’re cute, smart and fun!”

“This break up is a good thing. Now you can choose who you want to be with.”

“You need to learn to live alone.”

“What do you mean you have never lived alone before? How is that possible? “

Believe me it is, first marry young as I did, have children, then get divorced. Marry again, have another child, become widowed and the children are still a big part of your life until they are grown up and gone…

More advice…

”You will meet people,” translated they mean men,” You are doing so many things.”

“When you least suspect it, you will find someone.”

“You’re a survivor.”

Finally, from my eldest child, my daughter:

“Mom, did you know you are my hero?”

“No, why?”

“Because you have started over so many times…”

I wish it were for another reason I think but say:

”Well, what choice do I have? I had to and I wanted to. “

My middle son told me at a party that I was terrible at picking up cues from men.

“What did that guy say to you?”

“He asked me the name of my perfume?”

“That’s a great pick up line. “

“It is? I told him the name of the perfume. “

“That’s all you said? You needed to ask him who he would buy it for…”

I’m just not good at this game.

Another example of my pick-up ineptitude was in a bank when a handsome man asked me if my dog’s blue winter coat meant he was a Patriot’s fan.

I smiled at him but no words came out of my mouth. Later I thought of: “He better be! Are you?”

The advice I get continues; all my female friends think they know more about men than I do.

“They only leave you when they have someone to go to.”

“They are always on the rebound; that is how you catch them.”

“They don’t want to know too much about you.”

“Keep them guessing, be mysterious about your past.”

That reminded me of many years ago when I was first divorced and had three young children. I told my date on our first night out that I only had two children figuring I wouldn’t count my son who was staying overnight at his camp.

I knew two kids were enough for a single guy to handle.

When we returned home, the babysitter told me the camp had called and I had to pick my son up since he refused to spend the night there. Puzzled, my date said:

” You have another child?”

“Oh well,” I told him grabbing my car keys, “yes, I have three; see you later!”

I knew I would never hear from him again and I didn’t.

When I got involved with someone romantically again the advice continued…

“Let them make decisions. They need to be in charge. “

“It is all about sex for them. Can they still do it? Do you like it?”

“What can they expect from you as a partner?”

“You need to keep your freedom, don’t live together. You can see each other whenever you want that way.”

Sex is another topic I find baffling to discuss.

“We didn’t have sex for a long time before we separated…” from a person I was dating.

“My sex life with my husband is really quiet, not much at all now,“ from a girlfriend.

Why not, I want to ask both of them but don’t.

I don’t know how I invite all of this commentary:

“You look fine. The break up couldn’t have been that bad.”

Should I go around crying and looking awful?

“You’ve been married twice, isn’t that enough?”

I didn’t know there was a quota, I mutter very softly.

One of my older male friends explained to me that he and his single friends define relationships differently now. They call their partners companions. They don’t live together, they don’t get married. They just enjoy being with each other.

I wonder what I am looking for and whether it exists.

At a party recently we toasted an older couple who had just gotten married, the husband told me how they met and that they planned to have many happy years together. Thankfully he didn’t offer me any advice; he just left me thinking  that love and joy can happen at any age.