Some years ago while watching the Tonight Show I listened to Anne Hathaway, the film star, talk about when her parents were asked the secret of their twenty eight year marriage and her father’s instant reply was: “Great Sex! I cringed at his answer thinking it was too juvenile, perhaps too specific. I was reminded of the Cat on a Hot Tin Roof movie when Elizabeth Taylor‘s mother in law pats the bed and says something like: “this is where it all happens, if it goes wrong here then your marriage is over.”
Yes, I think there’s a lot of truth in that. Having learned that my brain is my most important sex organ I have tried to control it and to have “sexy” thoughts during sex. I have tried to push out all those other tensions, worries, funny thoughts even while performing or being performed upon. Should someone write a book about what people really think about during sex or is it already written or do any of us want to read it? Does the sex get us beyond all of the other annoying things we find in our partners? Why have I always believed that that is truer for men than for women? And thinking more about his answer, why wasn’t Anne’s mother also asked the question? How does one refute the answer and not seem unsexy?
Years ago a friend told me the success of her marriage depended on her stepping over the piles of dirty clothes her husband leaves around their bedroom. She wanted me to know she did not pick them up nor did she complain. She walked away and somehow it all got resolved! I was so jealous then of her self control- knowing I would have kicked them, and tossed them into the laundry while yelling at him and adding that I was not his maid!
Walking away from battles is often a good option. I finally learned that it was not what I said at the moment but what I kept from saying that helped me relate to my partner. My mouth has gotten me into trouble many times over the years. Keeping quiet has also been difficult when seeing injustice or lying or social ineptitude. Sometimes I am on the right side in a discussion, other times the eyes staring at me while I am talking portray some confusion, some pity but it is often unvoiced. Why? What are we all afraid of?
I started this about sex and went off into so many areas that cause relationship problems because sex can be great or not, how do you change it? Women’s magazine articles plead for communication, direction, relaxation, mood setting, prioritizing. All of that works if you want it, but you can mess it up with sickness, appointments, the tired end of day syndrome, feigned interest or not. Ultimately it has to be what both of you want to do and how you do it has to be a joint decision even if one of you is more eager to proceed.
Great sex is so much more than sex. It means you care to give and receive pleasure. It means you take care of each other at other times. It means you can laugh at things together and cry if you need to. It means you can share feelings that are buried or on the surface and not be asking for help or accusing- just sharing. It means you can accept each other’s problems, idiosyncrasies, differences, while enjoying the ways you complement each other.
I applaud Anne’s father’s answer even if I would find it hard to say. It makes our children uneasy; it makes our friends who cannot answer that way uncomfortable. It causes looks of jealousy, disbelief, and smiles that this really is a joke for people our age! Is sex the last frontier of relationship honesty, getting in bed together and holding each other? Would I still be angry about that pile of clothes on the floor?
Humorous Humans 